


Just Because

by riri_N11



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Angstangstangst, Hardcore, M/M, Pls don't kill me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-07
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-06-06 23:22:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6774385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riri_N11/pseuds/riri_N11
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just because he had gave up trying to be normal.</p>
<p>Just because he is tired of pretending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey how's it going! First story on Ao3. Please take god care of me. I hope you guys can enjoy. Don't forget to comment and leave kudos! I also appreciate constructive criticism though not too harsh, yeah? (I'm soft pls don't yell at me) Enjoy!

He woke up at night and headed to the bathroom, locking himself inside. As he slowly sat in a corner, he started scrubbing furiously at his sun-kissed skin. His filthy skin. The skin that was once his pride but now is the thing that brings him down. Gosh, he hated this skin so much. All he wants to do now is to drown in a tub of acid. Clorox. Anything that would get rid of the surface and instead peel off to reveal milky skin like Taekwoon perhaps. Things had never been this bad. It’s usually under his control, under his power as the leader. Somehow, the kids lost their respect. Heck, they even lose their care. They literally flung Hakyeon's pride aside and assaulted the only thing he has that reminds him that he has a loving family back in Changwon. And so he cried and scrubbed till dawn approaches, stopping only when Hongbin knocks on the door.

///////

Scared.

Hakyeon is too scared to even get off the van, his restless mind weighing him down. He could already predict what would happen as soon as they were, HE were to step into the studio. And as always, he was right. 

"Oh! N-ssi. Have you gotten darker? Did you sat under the sun 24 hours? What happened to you?"

And the members would laugh and shrug it off. Taking it as a normal joke, that Hakyeon would tell the people around him to stop and shut up if he hates the joke. Besides, Hakyeon would understand that it was a joke that was meant to make the audience laugh after all, right? Hakyeon smiled bitterly as he took a seat.

"Of course, hyung-nim! N hyung loves the sun very much. They are life-long friends!" Leo cracked up at Hyuk's joke. And Hakyeon's heart followed pursuit.

"N-No. That's not it. I've been applying whitening cream these days; don't I look much fairer now?"

"Eyyy, This friend and his never ending self-praise." Hakyeon forced out a laugh. But that's the way he defends himself, the way he keeps the tears inside. Oh, well. Nobody cares. The interview sailed past him in blurry pictures and voices. All he knows is that a few more jokes about his skin were made before his auto-pilot mode take over and now, he is leading the wrap-up.

 

//////

Suicide.

He won't lie. Of course he had thought about it. Had ALMOST done it in fact. He had the blade positioned perfectly over his main vein. What stopped him? Ah, yes. The members. What would happen if he wasn't there? Could Taekwoon get over his shy side and start talking a lot as VIXX's leader? The members are the only thing holding him back. The only thing that is keeping him from snapping, from shattering. Yet they are also one of the main reason as to why he is here in the bathroom again, the never ending scrubbing routine on full power thanks to the interview in the afternoon. Stop? Tell the kids to stop? How? They had made this joke into something they put their heart and soul into. Something they would do to release all the pent up anger and frustration. When they were particularly upset and tired, the jokes would be harsher and when Hakyeon pissed them off, they'd go waaaaaaay beyond the limits. As much as he wanted to break down in front of the kids, he can't. He is the leader; he has an image to uphold. A dignity to stand for. No one understands, no one would want to listen anyway.

 

//////

Fault.

Is he the one to be blamed? Is he too easy on the kids? Should he be a tad stricter? But he doesn't want to. He wants them to be like a family. He wants them to be particularly close with him so that they know that he is always here, ready for them to pour their hearts out. The kids could never understand his way of affection. To them, Hakyeon is over the top, annoying and rambunctious when all he hopes for when he does the skin ship is love. He is scared that he would drift apart from the members and be all but awkward around them so he cast aside his shyness and pride just to stay intact. Only god knows how much it hurts inside when his love was rejected.

///////

Taekwoon.  
Taekwoon? He's madly in love with Taekwoon. So deep in love he can't find a way out. He is proud of how Taekwoon had changed nowadays; Taekwoon is much more open and a bit less shy than before. He always finds a way to get Taekwoon involved in any activity that VIXX does. Even if it is in the slightest way. But will Taekwoon ever notice them? The secretive loving glances he threw in Taekwoon's way, the lingering touches, the words he used. Is it not obvious? He wants to confess to Taekwoon badly because his guilt is eating him up. But what would happen then? Hakyeon is sick of rejections. And so he kept the love, the pain to himself. Hakyeon continued scratching at his skin. He looked at his arms which had a few bleeding cuts on it. He was so immersed in his thoughts; his scrubbing went over the limits. Just as he stood up to clean up, Taekwoon entered the bathroom.

"What the-" He scrambled to his feet as he grabbed a towel to hide his bleeding arms.

"Hakyeon... What are you doing?"


	2. Jerk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back with chapter 2! Thanks for the supports; kudos, commenting and bookmarks. Keep em coming peeps!

"Oh, God. Taekwoon you scared me. Wasn't the door locked? How'd you get in here?" he tightened his grip on the towel.

"...... It wasn't locked. What are you doing? Why aren't you asleep?"

"Wh-What do you mean what am I doing. I am doing my business of course."

"... Go to sleep Hakyeon." Taekwoon stated as he shoved Hakyeon out and locked the door. Hakyeon breathed out a sigh of relief as he made his way back to his room.

//////

"Hyung! Why are you wearing a long sleeved shirt, it’s so hot its burning in here!" Jaehwan whines upon Hakyeon's arrival. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat.

"Eyyy. Ken hyung, N hyung is trying to avoid being darker don't you know? He left his sun block back in Changwon." Hongbin chimed in. Hakyeon's body convulsed as his hands moved automatically, aiming for Hongbin's neck.

"Yah, you jerk! Am not. I just feel like wearing one okay." 

"N hyung don't be like that. Let's get tanned together, this summer!" Ravi cheered.

"Yah, Kim Wonshik! I swear-"

"N hyung, it’s okay no matter how much time you spend under the sun your skin can't get any darker!" The dongsaeng line bursts into laughter.

"Hakyeon, don't be ridiculous. You are being childish." 

“But I wasn't doing it because of that!" 

I have scars on my arms thanks to yesterday.

"Yeah, sure hyung." Ravi retorted.

And Hakyeon felt himself shifting into the auto-pilot mode again

//////

Will they ever realise? Why is he so weak? Why can't he fight them? Oh, right. He loves them. He'd do anything to see their smiles after a long day of schedules. Their smiles, their laughter. These small things are huge and precious to him. Especially a certain cat-like boy that he is falling for again and again and again. Each time deeper. What should he do? He wanted to confess because it hurts real bad. But he doesn't think that his weak heart can take yet another form of rejection, this time on a serious account with Taekwoon. He is so stupid for falling for him at the first place. He should have known better than to joke mess around with matters involving the heart.

Hakyeon watched as the members splashed around happily in the pool. He slowly dipped his feet into the cool water, choosing to relax and enjoy the not so cold night while his eyes started scanning for a certain male. As he was day dreaming, someone sneaked up behind him and pushed him into the water. Hakyeon did not even have time to respond before he was surrounded by pitch darkness. Taekwoon chuckled as he watched Hakyeon in amusement, hands and legs flailing around. As he surfaces, he saw Taekwoon squatting, silently giggling. The fire in his heart quickly died down. 

"Yah, Jung Taekwoon! Do you think that's funny? I could've died because I wasn't ready and I could get muscle cramps for god's sake- Are you laughing? Yah! I'm gonna get you!" He grinned as he swam towards Taekwoon. Taekwoon stood up and jumped into the pool, not the tad bit afraid of Hakyeon. Hakyeon was taken aback by the action and suddenly, Taekwoon was the one chasing after him.

"Wait, wait! Taekwoon!" he screeched as he fumbled up the swimming pool edge. The edge was slippery and Hakyeon being wet does not help in generating friction. As a result, he fell back into the pool, embracing himself for the hit of the cold water. Instead he was greeted with a pair of strong arms wrapped around him. As he turned around, Taekwoon was smiling down at him.

"Taek-Tae-Taekwoon." he stuttered.

"Be careful. You might get lost in this pool."

"Wha-What?"

"We might not be able to find you as you camouflage amongst the dark waters." Taekwoon grinned.

And Hakyeon's smiley face fell. He wriggled his way out of Taekwoon's arms as he hit him in the chest.

"Jerk." he mumbled, holding in the tears that threatened to fall.

That night, Hakyeon visited his safe place an hour earlier than usual.


	3. Things Escalating Pretty Damn quicky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please understand that I do love Taekwoon...... Just not in this chapter >:)

" Hyung I was kidding."

" Of course you were."

" Gosh Hakyeon, stop being childish."

" Am I now? I said I'm not angry. Move aside, Taekwoon."

 

The members sat together, huddled in a corner as they silently held hands, supporting each other's terrorised heart. The two eldest never fought seriously and it scares them at how this would end.

 

"Don't bullshit me with that! Why are you acting all sensitive now when you were fine all along?!"  
Fine? I was fine in YOUR EYES because I choose to show you the image of being fine.

"I AM FINE, JUNG TAEKWOON. I AM NOT THE LEAST BIT MAD OR UPSET AT YOU. I'M JUST FINE-"

His words were abruptly cut when his shirt was fisted and his petite body was slammed into the wall. He collided head first into the wall and his vision darkens for a moment.

"HYUNG! You’re hurting him, STOP!" Jaehwan screamed as he lunged forward, caught by Wonshik just in time.

"SHUT UP AND STAY AWAY." Taekwoon growled and tightened his grip on Hakyeon's shirt.

"You have been acting cocky all week, Hakyeon. Ever since the interview. Yah. Can you stop the self-praising? You would bring down the whole team's image, do you know that? What kind of leader are you? You shouldn't have debuted. You are useless. What can you do? Dance? You already fucked up when you gained weight last week. You gained quite a lot didn't you and who was the one who said stop eating snacks for fear that we would gain weight? WHO?! Why are you so sensitive about us joking with your skin? You have to accept the reality. You are dark. Can't you understand? It's a joke, alright. Don't be childish, it’s so annoying."

"Taek-Taekwoon, please..." Hakyeon whimpered as a warm fluid began flowing down his neck. The world swam around him as he struggled to process Taekwoon's words, stay awake, endure the pain and stand still. He had never felt so much pain in his life. The throbbing on the back of his head was unbearable as Taekwoon's harsh words sank into him. His words caused so much more pain compared to the nail that he scraped his head into while hitting the wall.

"Hyung! You are bleeding!" And Wonshik couldn't hold Jaehwan down anymore as he too leaped forward, wanting to save Hakyeon more than anything right now. Jaehwan pulled Hakyeon away from Taekwoon and laid his head on his lap.

"Hyu-Hyung! Does it hurt? Where? Talk to me! Oh god, N hyung!"

The members rushed forward and encircled Hakyeon as Jaehwan flipped him over, inspecting the back of his head.

"It..It burns, Jaehwan, please..." Wonshik fought to keep his tears from spilling as he heard his leader's pained cries.

"Oh My God, hyung! There's so much blood. Is the scalp torn?" Hongbin exclaimed as he shielded the maknae's eyes for he was scared of blood.

Taekwoon's hands trembled as he stared at Hakyeon's drop of blood on the floor by his feet. He slowly brought his face up, staring dumbfoundedly at the nail on the wall he shoved Hakyeon into. 

"Shit..." And he couldn't even look towards the group of boys as they screamed when Hakyeon went unconscious.


	4. Hospitalized

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, same old life happened excuses ^^;  
> But hey I'm back.  
> (Also sorry not sorry for the ending hehu)  
> Enjoy, comment and leave ze kudos!

"He received 11 stitches and thanks to you, a further mess could be avoided. If you had been a few minutes late, he could have lost a whole lot of blood. Anyway, he is fine and you may visit him. Do call me when he wakes up. I'd like to have a word with him."

As soon as they bowed to the doctor, they scrambled to the door and got tangled in a huge ball of human meat, racing to get to Hakyeon first.

"Ah! Don't pull my hair!"

"MY NOSE."

"Let go of my shirt!"

In the moment of confusion and shrieks, Sanghyuk managed to escape the scene as he stumbled forward and made his way to Hakyeon's bed. He sat on the chair and took Hakyeon's hand in his, gasping at the temperature of the leader's hand.

"Hyung..." Hakyeon would hate this and sulk when he wakes up, Sanghyuk thought. The leader hated showing the members the weak side of him, claiming that a leader should not have any. Sanghyuk sighed and nuzzled into the hand that annoys him most of the time but provides the sense of safety and love when he needed it. That night the members took turns looking after Hakyeon, ensuring he is comfy and that the at last one of them would be there when he awakes. Wonshik walked over to Taekwoon who was fiddling with his phone. It had been Wonshik's turn and he had been kind enough to extent a few minutes of his shift in case Taekwoon wasn't mentally stable and prepared for his shift. When Taekwoon denies his duty, Wonshik totally blew up because honestly, he was pissed as fuck currently what not with the previous incident and that Taekwoon doesn't seem to be fazed or feeling guilty at all. He dropped his formalities at once.

"Yah. Jung Taekwoon, are you kidding?! Move your ass and go take over your shift!"

"You little punk. DO NOT USE BANMAL ON ME PUNK. I do not want to look after him."

"What the- Yah! Why, why do you not want to do so? Tch. Is the guilt eating you up? Is that it"

"You bas-"  
They were interrupted when a series of coughing was heard.

"Please, stop..." Hakyeon rasped out The kids were by his side immediately. Hongbin pushed the button so that the doctor could attend to Hakyeon before glaring towards the two members who were about to lunge for each other's throat.

//////

"Hakyeon?"

"Y-Yes, doctor?"

"I pretty much found out, you know."

"I'm sorry. I-I couldn't help it." He stuttered as he played with his fingers, feeling small with the doctor looming over him.

"*sigh* I thought we discussed this before. Are the pills not working?"

"They do but-"

"You didn't take them did you? Hakyeon, I told you. You are on a whole new level of this. Your case is one of the worst I've seen. What would happen if the members were to found out? They wouldn't be thankful if they know that you are hiding this from them. You need to tell them so they could help you-"

"NO! N-No... Did you.. tell them?"

"I did not but you know this could not be hidden for a long time, they would soon notice the missing razors, Hakyeon."

"I will tell them eventually. It's not the right time. We have packed schedules currently and they have more than enough stress and burdens to carry. If they were to know, I'd be one of the burdens they have to carry. I am the leader. I am supposed to lessen the burden instead of adding it. They have more than enough to deal with already especially after what had happened today. They are snapping slowly due to the pressure and if I were to add to their burdens, they would eventually shatter to the pressure. Please give me, and the kids sometime."

"Hakyeon, I don't think you have much time left. We performed a CT scan on you and......"


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *kneels at your feet*  
> Please forgive me for delaying this update. TT There really is no other reason except for life. I hope you haven't lost intrest in this story. Anyway, enjoy, leave kudos and comments!

It was a Sunday and Hakyeon had been in bed for a week, drowning in his bottles of banana milk. The kids had fussed over him the past few days, stopping him from leaving the bed and bringing stuffs to him, running over whenever he calls out and Hakyeon had never felt as contended as he is currently. Besides, it’s been a week since he sat scrubbing away in the bathroom and, oh.

Taekwoon.

He hasn't talk to Taekwoon for a week and its killing him on the inside. He wanted to embrace Taekwoon, telling him its fine, he's not angry but Taekwoon won't go anywhere near him and even opted sleeping on the couch instead. It hurts Hakyeon to think that does Taekwoon really hate him that much? 

Today, their manager had to pry each member off Hakyeon and force them to go to practice. The kids made high-pitched whines and protests, knowing oh-so-well that their leader would move around a lot.

"His stitches could come undone, hyung-nim!" Jaehwan pouted

" He needs to move around to heal quickly, you idiots." With that he shoved them out the door and locked it behind him, leaving Hakyeon and a special someone alone in the dormitories. It had been a plan too, by their manager, sensing tense aura between the two eldest, he wanted the kids to quickly reconcile so that VIXX would be those loud annoying kids that he has to take care of, willingly of course.

Hakyeon got up and gripped the walls as support, making his way slowly towards the kitchen. The throbbing on the back of his head had ceased to a dull ache and Hakyeon was thankful at once for the member's hospitality the past few days. He grabbed a cup and poured water into it, gulping the water down thirstily and decided to spend his time watching movies since he couldn't really move around a lot. He nearly shrieked and slips when he saw a familiar figure sleeping on the couch, an arm draped across his tummy, snoring ever so softly.

'Didn't they all went to practice?'

And Hakyeon soon realises that it was a plan by his manager after all. He wanted to approach the sleeping boy, but felt hesitant to do so. However, when he thought back upon all the hardships Taekwoon had gone through this week with the members giving him the cold shoulder and glaring at him whenever possible, Hakyeon's heart melted. With a newly found confidence, he slowly sat on the floor by Taekwoon. He reached over and touched the latter's nose lightly. It amazes him how Taekwoon could be so pretty even in his sleep and Hakyeon, well, he is just a mess, patches of dark skin everywhere. Mind drifting elsewhere, his fingers skimmed across Taekwoon's lips, sighing contently at the softness of the lips. Bad move. Taekwoon jolts awake immediately at the pressure on his lips and for a moment their breath hitched as their gaze locked, soon to be broken by Hakyeon, retreating his hands.

"S-sorry" he mumbles. Taekwoon sighs, running a hand through his hair.

"What are you doing here? Why are you moving around?"

"I-I-I went to get some water and the cut hurts suddenly so I had to sit down for a while." Nothing matters if he tells a small lie right now because for all that he knows, he has a way bigger lie than that that he keeps buried in his being for now.

"...Why didn't you wake me?"

"You were deep asleep and seemed tired so..." Taekwoon sighed and stood up, holding Hakyeon's arm and slowly made their way back to the room, setting the bed as comfortable as he could before laying Hakyeon down and turned around to exit when Hakyeon grabbed his wrist.

"Taekwoon, we need to talk, please" 

"Hakyeon,-"

"Sit, Jung Taekwoon" 

Just like that he groans before sitting in front of Hakyeon.

"Taekwoon, I am not angry nor am I upset at you. I understand. We all have our limits and you just happen to meet yours that day didn't you?", he laughed nervously as he fought back the tears, "I am sorry for being annoying, Taekwoon, but did you see all the happy starlights of ours? They were happy at your improvement, you are starting to open up to the public Taekwoon and knowing you, it took heaps of effort and confidence for you to do so. All that I ever want for you is some recognition, so that people would know that Jung Taekwoon is a warm, gooey hearted person with a cold appearance. I want to be able to show people that VIXX is the best, that we certainly rock the music industry and Taekwoon, those self-praise, I am sorry. I promise I won't do it anymore in the future for the sake of VIXX, yes? How silly of me, I didn't even thought about how the issue could get big.," he looked towards the ceiling, unable to look at Taekwoon's face for fear that the tears in his eyes would drop., 

"I am sorry. I will not take the skin jokes seriously from now onwards, you are right. I need to accept reality and let you tease me for the truth. I am sorry for debuting. Nakhun should have been here instead, huh? Tch. Useless I am. Right, I gained lots of weight and don't you feel like ripping me? Look at all these fats. I am also childish. I am sorry. I grow up in a family where I am the youngest and I am used to being the youngest that my heart remains a child and I miss my family most of the time but there is nowhere for me to tell on, to let it out. I only have you guys as my second family, that is if you think of me as one of your family member, but then again, it would be unfitting, wouldn't it? A dark, charred, ugly sheep amongst fluffy white ones. What am I even thinking? I am sorry Taekwoon. Everything you said was correct. I will try and change myself for VIXX, for you, okay? I am sorry." He concluded shakily, tears still brimming his eyes and Taekwoon's response made his body jerked and his stomach churned.

"Good, it’s about time you realise it anyway." With that he stood up and took his leave.

For the first time in a week, Hakyeon returned to his safe place that night.


End file.
